Caregiving

Commonwealth Senior Living

Cracking the Caregiving Code

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You are standing in unfamiliar territory. The rush of emotions scatters your thoughts. Unanswered questions whirl around in your mind. The next decision could be one step in the wrong direction. Where will it lead? As a caregiver, you feel every emotion possible. At times, multiple at once. You are bombarded by decisions and opinions from friends, family, and acquaintances. Complicating things is the fact that everyone’s opinions are different. The first step in caregiving is to trust yourself. Accept the realization that no answer is right or wrong. You make the best decision with the information you have today. Tomorrow you may change your mind, but you didn’t make a mistake. Your information changed. You’re in uncharted territory. Others have traveled similar parts, but it wasn’t your path. Others have made similar decisions, but they weren’t your decisions.

A miner deep in the caverns of the earth where the impenetrable darkness abides uses a single light to breach the darkness. If the light fails, the darkness overpowers. A single rope brings a sigh of relief. This is known as the lifeline. It’s the guide from the deep dark cavern to the surface. The lifeline leads to a place of familiarity and clarity where the miner can depend on the natural eye to be the guide.

As a caregiver, you need to keep your light maintained and operating. The light it you. You also need a lifeline for yourself when the single light is not sufficient. What can you do to keep your single light shining? What builds your battery and gives you energy? Is it a hot cup of tea and reading a devotional? Is it talking to a friend on the phone? Is it a swim or a hike? Whatever it may be, you must charge your batteries daily. Take a deep breath, count to 10, you’ve got this. Taking the time for yourself as a caregiver is a selfless act. It allows you to lead and guide those depending on you.

If you need a little more structure, try a relaxation app on your phone. Some free apps that offer guided meditation, inspiring images, and music include:

Is your lifeline in place? Have you walked the lifeline regularly to ensure it doesn’t have weak or broken areas? How tragic for the single light to grow dim, to reach for the lifeline and it’s lying on the ground disconnected from the outside world. It’s so easy as a caregiver to isolate yourself. After all, you don’t have time for one more thing in your life. As a caregiver, it’s hard to admit you need help and easy to believe you are in this alone and that no one understands. It’s true others don’t understand. You have to connect, share, and be honest about what you need. Stay connected with your lifeline. Have a Plan B for when Plan A (you) grows weak.

If you are interested in joining one of our Caregiver Support Groups, click the button below to contact the community nearest you.

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Tips for Long-Distance Caregiving

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When your loved one begins to need additional support, you may not always live next door. 15% of caregivers in the U.S. are long-distance caregivers at an average of 450 miles away. That’s around 10 million Americans of the almost 66 million who have served as caregivers for a loved one. If you are one of these outstanding caregivers, here are six tips from Where You Live Matters to help your loved one, even from far away.

  1. Evaluate What You Can Do. It’s okay that you can’t do everything for your loved one! If you’re good with money, you can offer financial help, paying bills and managing finances. If you’re an organizer, you could organize important documents or arrange for friends and neighbors to bring meals. Once you know what you can do, you’ll be able to make a plan that covers the gaps.
  2. Explore Different Living Arrangements. Sometimes your loved one might need help that’s closer to home. Some families can make it work to move closer, and for others it might make more sense for the loved ones to move closer to them. If either of these options are out of the question, moving into a senior living community or hiring in-home care can provide their needed support.
  3. Have a Family Meeting. It’s important to get everyone on the same page, whether it’s in person or virtually. Once you all understand your loved one’s needs and wants, you can work out a plan of action and set a schedule. Once the plan is in place, make sure to keep everyone updated, especially your loved one. Learn more about starting the conversation here.
  4. Plan Visits. It is important to actually see your loved one from time to time. Spend quality time with them and find out exactly what they need.
  5. Have an Emergency Plan. In case of an accident or other emergency, have a plan in place to get there on short notice. Set up a support system who can step in while you’re gone and keep a list of their contact information and roles.
  6. Stay Connected. Scheduling calls with doctors, senior living communities, neighbors who check on them, and of course your loved one can help you to get up-to-date information. Distance can be challenging, but these tips and using your support system can make it more manageable.

Contact us today to find out more about the community nearest you.

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Coping Techniques for Caregivers

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Join us virtually on Thursday, May 27th at 4:00pm. RSVP today by emailing Marketing@CommonwealthSL.com 

There’s no getting around it. Caring for an aging family member can be difficult and stressful. Their care, health, safety and happiness of your loved one all rests on your shoulders, and sometimes that responsibility can be overwhelming. The last year, in particular, has been incredibly stressful with a dramatic impact on everyone’s lives. Everything you know about human connection and touch has been put to the test, but understanding how to cope with these challenges can help you become a better caregiver to your loved one.

While you’re taking care of your loved one, it’s important to take care of yourself too. The basic principles of self-care still apply and are still available to you, they may just look a little different now. Take time for yourself to still do the things you enjoy like reading, writing in a journal, or gardening. Taking a walk around the block is still one of the best ways to clear your mind, get fresh air and sunshine, help you refocus, and stay energized. It has also been proven effective in reducing anxiety and depression. Enjoying these quiet moments gives us the opportunity to take advantage of the simple things in life we may have taken for granted in the past.

In this free presentation, we will help you learn how to cope with caregiving stress as well as share tips and tools that you can use to make sure you keep yourself healthy and strong. We’ll go over points from setting goals to providing resources so you can continue to give your loved one the care they deserve.

RSVP today by emailing Marketing@CommonwealthSL.com for the day and time to join us locally in person or to join us virtually on Thursday, May 27th at 4:00pm.

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The Meaning Behind the Pineapple

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Do you know what the pineapple symbol represents? When speaking with people that interact with our company, only about half of them knew the meaning behind the pineapple and its rich history of hospitality.

The origins of the pineapple as a symbol of hospitality date back to the late 15th century and Christopher Columbus’ voyage to the Caribbean. This was when European explorers first documented tasting the tropical fruit, and it took centuries for the fruit to be presented at tables without royal titles being that it was in such high demand. Therefore, the presence of a pineapple meant that the family hosting the event spared no expense and greatly values their guest’s company.

The seven leaves of our logo’s pineapple represent our Core Values and an extra for our Noble Selling Purpose.

  1. We CARE about PEOPLE.
  2. We DO the RIGHT thing.
  3. We are PASSIONATE, have FUN and CELEBRATE SUCCESS.
  4. We SPEAK UP!
  5. We take OWNERSHIP and ADD VALUE.
  6. We are RESPECTFUL.

The silent reminder of hospitality is included in everything we do – from the fresh baked breads every morning to the monthly family nights where we connect with our residents’ loved ones. The pineapple in our logo is our reminder and promise of welcoming.

To learn more about our communities and how we embrace the pineapple each day, contact the community nearest you.

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The Story of Phil & Jean

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We all know the marriage vows, “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part”. Some of us live those vows to the letter. Jean is one of these individuals.

We know that many spouses provide care at home for their partners with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Theirs is a loving and difficult journey which requires significant patience and tenacity. While this is the story of Phil’s experience with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, it is also the story of Jean’s evolution as a caregiver. From managing it all on her own to bringing in supportive services and ultimately, choosing a team to entrust Phil’s care to, Jean was able to become his wife again.

“When I look back, I realize Phil had been showing signs of dementia several years before he was diagnosed. He saw our family doctor and then a neurologist. After testing by the neurologist, they sent him for more testing at the Neuropsychological Services of Virginia. One year later, he went back for follow up testing. As the years went by, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, continually managed by tweaks and changes in his medication.

My goal was to keep Phil at home, but as the years went by, the situation worsened. He was looking in the cabinets constantly, and I removed everything I thought could harm him, but I often found him gagging on pickling spice or something else you would never think someone would try to eat.

For a long time, I could leave him at home, but when I became uneasy with this, someone from AmeriCare or Right at Home came to stay with him. He didn’t want or think he needed help, so I told him they were coming to clean the house. They were there to do whatever was necessary to make him think that’s why they were there. Some of them did clean, but their job was to take care of Phil, and many times I would come home to them putting together a puzzle or watching a TV show together.

The years of constant stress from being on guard to keep him from doing something that would hurt himself were very difficult. He behaved like a toddler, putting anything he found on the floor in his mouth. I was afraid he would go on our dock and fall overboard. I sold the riding lawn mower, put alarms on the doors, and tried everything anyone suggested. Nothing worked.

I realized I needed support, so I started going to the Alzheimer’s Support Group that was held at Commonwealth Senior Living in Kilmarnock and found it to be very helpful. Everyone was very supportive of each other and the facilitator was extremely helpful. This was the highlight of my month.

This had been going on for 10 years, and I always told the doctor everything that had happened since our last visit. The situation was worsening, and the doctor suggested it would be best for both of us for him to not live at home anymore. Long story short, he became a resident in the Sweet Memories Neighborhood at Commonwealth Senior Living. It is safe unit with nothing that can harm anyone, and they have many activities for the residents such as daily chair exercises and throwing a big beach ball back and forth with each other and the staff instructor while they are sitting in their chairs. They have many, many activities to occupy their time. Their medication is given to them as prescribed by the doctor. They have a private dining room where they eat their meals. There is a wonderful music program that has given me so many special memories. They celebrate every holiday. They have a Family Night Dinner every month, usually with a theme. It would be impossible for me to tell you everything they do for the residents.

The stress was lifted off me. I knew he was in a safe place and receiving good care. I visited him three days a week for a couple of hours each time. Everyone called him by name even when I would take him to the Assisted Living side, all the staff said hello to him by name. I was able to relax and visit Phil in a happy atmosphere and not be constantly monitoring what he was doing.

Everyone who works there, from the moment you come in the door until you leave, is helpful, courteous, and pleasant. I highly recommend Commonwealth Senior Living. It was a lifesaver for me.”

The celebration of Phil’s life took place in February. It was an absolute privilege to care for Phil, and to have you both as a part of our CSL family. If you are caring for a loved one with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, we want you to know that you are not alone. Our community teams can offer support groups, tips, assessments, and much more. Find the community nearest you for more information: https://www.commonwealthsl.com/our-communities/

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Using sights and sounds to calm loved ones with dementia

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Within our Sweet Memories neighborhoods, just like any neighborhood, residents have good days and bad days. Part of our job is to celebrate the good days and help residents cope with the bad days. We have several ways we do that. (Learn more about our Memory Care programming here.) One of the wonderful ways we can help calm residents is with our serenity rooms. Below is a story from a caregiver in one of our communities on how she was able to utilize this space.

Carolyn is one of our Sweet Memories residents who is an enormous amount of fun, but she can easily get stressed out, which causes meltdowns. We in activities have learned the Serenity room is a great resource in helping Carolyn relax.

One day, Carolyn was crying and shouting, very upset.  I offered to take Carolyn to the Serenity room. She very willingly agreed and asked me not to leave her, she continued to cry. That’s when I got an idea, it’s something I’ll often do with my kids at home just for fun.

I asked Carolyn if she liked thunderstorms. She replied, “yes”. So, I went to my ‘calm’ app on my phone which offers a variety of relaxing, nature sounds. I played the thunderstorm sounds and asked if she wanted to hear a story.  One of my favorite books is “Thundercake” by Patricia Polacco. I found an audio version with pictures on you tube and played her the story.

So, with thunder and rain in the background, and the sweet story about Thundercake, Carolyn quickly focused in on the sounds and the story, and stopped crying. She began laughing at ‘ole peck hen’ and the ‘ole kick cow’. She laid her head on my shoulder and was completely relaxed and back to her normal laughing, smiling self. It was a great success, and a very sweet moment that I’ll treasure.

The Serenity room is our go to for Carolyn when she is having a bad day, it has never failed in calming her down.

We are blessed to have these serenity rooms in most of our communities. They are a quiet space with a sound machine, dim lighting, tactile elements, essential oil diffuser and a screen with nature scenes to help residents recenter with the help of a caregiver or on their own. If you’re caring for a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease and would like tips for creating a similar space at home, email us at AsktheExperts@commonwealthsl.com.

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Caregivers Should Focus on Attainable Goals

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By Paula Harder, Vice President of Programs

Caring for loved ones diagnosed with memory loss can be extremely challenging. Oftentimes, we become stressed by the situation and don’t know where to turn for help or guidance. What caregivers must remember is that their health is ultimately as important as those they are looking after. That is why we have developed this simple toolkit to help you navigate the caregiving process:

  • Set Attainable Goals: We are all human. Setting goals for ourselves is critical to our growth but it is important to set attainable goals. Don’t be afraid to set priorities and celebrate success even if it’s for small tasks.
  • Focus on Clear Communication: Individuals with memory loss process information differently. Being clear and concise with your words and using as many specifics as possible will help to foster greater understanding between you and your loved one.
  • Respond to the Feeling Behind the Behavior: All behaviors are meaningful, even the negative ones. Always take a step back to try to see the world through your loved one’s perspective instead of the direct behavior.
  • Be Flexible: Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia are progressive diseases which means the attitudes or your loved one will change. Adapt to those changes by altering strategies or techniques that don’t work anymore.
  • Enjoy the Good Times: Participating in activities that you and your loved one enjoyed before their memory loss can help foster positive emotions. Continue those activities as much as possible in order to stimulate socialization and physical activity.
  • Reminisce about the Past: Watching home movies, looking though photographs, or chatting about the past also helps stimulate brain function in those with memory loss. Sharing these memories will be beneficial to both you and them.
  • Make Time for Yourself: Caregivers often succumb to depression, frustration, and exhaustion because they don’t take time out of their day for their own wellbeing. Take at least 30 minutes for yourself to do an activity that you love.
  • Educate Yourself about Memory Loss: Reading about Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia and/or participating in support groups helps to foster a greater understanding about the disease for caregivers. Learn as much as you can in order to prepare yourself.
  • Don’t Forget to Ask for Help: Caring for loved ones with memory loss is overwhelming and you can’t do it alone. Ask friends, family members, and others for help with tasks – even if it is as simple as going to the grocery story.

Your health is an important part of the caregiver equation. After all, the care that you are able to provide is only as good as your wellbeing.

For more information about our award-winning memory care program click here. Our community teams are a valuable resource for tips on specific issues. Find the community nearest you by visiting our Communities page.

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Reducing Family Stress: Plan for a community to support you when you need it

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When asked where they would like to live in their 80s and 90s, most Americans will say “at home”. There is an idyllic image of staying in a home where children have been raised, holidays have been celebrated, and memories have been made. Aren’t we all most comfortable at home? It is the place where we feel secure and safe. But as people are living longer, health complications may interfere with these plans. As we age, we may experience decreased stability, limited sight, and impaired dexterity, all of which may lead to falls, and ultimately, a dangerous living environment.

For seniors living alone, this problematic scenario may be even more difficult as feelings of isolation and depression set in. In fact, studies have shown that seniors experiencing loneliness are more at risk for heart disease, stroke, and even mild cognitive impairment. The fact of the matter is, as we live longer lives, we are more likely to need additional support.

Admitting that an eventual move into a senior living community might be in your future can be a challenging concept. It might feel uncomfortable to admit that you can longer manage your life at home. Senior living is a topic most families do not discuss until the need is an emergency and imminent. Oftentimes, the choice is made by an adult child because they can no longer care for their parent. Or a loved one is being discharged from a hospital and the family is told that they are no longer safe living at home. In many of these scenarios, the senior themselves does not have the opportunity to choose their community. This creates an incredibly difficult decision for the adult children. Is this what mom would want? Will she be happy here? Am I doing the right thing?

The stress and burden this creates for families is unnecessary. Just as we would prepare for the future with a medical directive and will so that family members are not making decisions about our lives for us, the choice of a senior living community can and should be made now so that we can be mentally, financially, and emotionally prepared to take that step when the time comes.

Call today for your complimentary copy of “Choosing the Right Assisted Living”. To find the community nearest you, visit our communities page.

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Transitioning to senior living before the holidays

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Christmas can often be a lonesome time for seniors living alone. Families visiting their loved ones sometimes see signs that their Mom or Dad is no longer safe at home, but they worry about making that change during the holidays. Guilt about making a change during the holidays can delay the process, but in our experience, moving during this joyful time can lead to an easier transition. Listen in as Bernie Cavis, Regional Vice President and resident memory care expert talks through what she has seen over the last 25 years in senior living.

Questions to ask yourself when choosing the right time to move Mom or Dad:

  • Is Mom or Dad safe at home?
  • Are they taking their medications as directed?
  • Has their been a fall?
  • Do they require 24 care?
  • Who will be looking after them after you leave?
  • Do you have friends of family in town who can help make the move?
  • What will delaying the move a few weeks mean in terms of care, logistics, etc?
  • Do you feel you have the information you need to make a choice?

If you have questions about a specific scenario, contact us at AskTheExperts@commonwealthsl.com.

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Surviving the Holidays: Part 2

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Many of us are anticipating the holidays with both excitement and trepidation. In fact, one family member recently told us, “We’re thinking of just skipping Thanksgiving this year. Between taking care of Dad and getting the house ready for out of town guests, it feels like too much.” Other families have mentioned that the influx of family in town can be both a blessing and a curse. Siblings who come in town want to help but might have different opinions on how Mom or Dad should be cared for.

Here is some great advice by Where you Live Matters on four common causes of sibling tension that can arise when everyone gets together for a holiday and advice on how to address these issues and move forward.

Balance of Caregiving
It’s not always possible for siblings to contribute equally to caregiving. Typically, one sibling does the lion’s share. If siblings don’t help with aging parents, or if the caregiver perceives an inequality, it can lead to sibling tensions and caregiver resentment.

Here’s what you can do:

  • Talk about how to divide the load. Have a family meeting and lay out different areas that require help. Be honest about the needs. Even if your siblings don’t live in town, there are things they can do to help. Someone can focus on finances, another can research helpful tools, services, or senior living options. Someone else can call your parent regularly and be a good listener.
  • Ask for a break while they’re here. Arrange a time where your siblings can be with mom or dad while you get out of the house. Do something that’s relaxing or just plain fun. Hang out with a friend, go on a date with your significant other, or go for a walk or a run. You’ll feel better, and your parent gets to spend time with the family.

Different Perceptions
Siblings tend to argue about things like whether Dad should stop driving or if Mom should get a higher level of care. Sometimes that’s a matter of denial – it’s hard to accept that your parent is no longer able to do everything they used to do. And sometimes it’s a matter of perspective. The Alzheimer’s Association says it’s not at all uncommon for visiting siblings to notice changes in your parent that you might not have seen because you’re in the thick of things every day.

Here’s what you can do:

  • Try to stick to the facts and evidence. These can be very emotional conversations, so it’s important to try to remain calm and talk about the facts. Write them down as you all talk about it. This will help everyone sift through feelings, see the needs or issues more accurately, and work together to come up with a care plan.
  • Try to accept a different perspective. Listening to each other respectfully and considering that someone else may be right can help you see things in a different light. And that can help you be a better caregiver.

Money Matters
Financial concerns are pivotal in making caregiving decisions, such as choosing where your parent should live, what medical care might be needed, or even if they can afford a housekeeper. Figuring out how to pay for it all can cause a lot of sibling tension. And that’s not to mention your cost as a caregiver – the financial strain it adds as well as the cost in terms of how it affects your job.

Here’s what you can do:

  • Be open. Set up regular communication about your parents’ finances and the cost of care. This avoids unpleasant surprises, and when a big decision needs to be made, everyone is aware and can help figure out what to do next.
  • Accept what each of you can afford. Not everyone can afford to contribute the same amount for care, or to fly out to visit or take over for a while. And that’s ok. There are other ways to help. When you have realistic expectations, it lowers the risk of resentment.

Family Patterns
Sometimes, no matter how grown up you are, when the family gets together, you fall right back into childhood roles and patterns. Rivalries or old wounds resurface. Older siblings dominate and leave the younger ones out. Not only is it unhealthy for you and your siblings, it can get in the way of providing the best care for your parent.

Here’s what you can do:

  • Be aware of those patterns. When you recognize your own behavior for what it is, you can do something about it. Before you react, stop and take a breath. Count to 10 if you have to. Then you can make a conscious choice about how best to move forward.
  • Try to see things from another’s point of view. If you can see, for example, that your sister isn’t arguing with you about Mom’s care because she thinks you’re doing it wrong, but because she’s feeling helpless or afraid, it can change the conversation.

There’s another thing you can to help manage the added stress of family during the holidays. Set realistic expectations for yourself and your siblings. Make plans together before they arrive, so that everyone knows how busy or laid back, fancy or minimal, active or quiet your time together will be. Discuss your parent’s current health and capabilities so everyone can adjust their expectations accordingly. And agree that while it might not be a Norman Rockwell, picture-perfect holiday, you’ll work together to make it a holiday that’s just right for your perfectly imperfect family.

Here are some more resources for your family to use when it comes to figuring out the best way to help your aging parents. Making a Family Decision.
Share the link with your siblings and start talking about it at your next family meeting. (You’ve planned one, right?)

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