Caring for a loved one with memory loss can be a complex and emotional experience. It's a journey filled with unique challenges and unexpected moments of joy. Paula Harder, Vice President of Resident Programs and Memory Care at Commonwealth Senior Living, has spent over 35 years helping families navigate their caregiving journeys and has put together her insights in what she calls "The 10 Commandments for Caring for Someone with Memory Loss." These reminders and strategies are designed to help caregivers manage their responsibilities more effectively and create a supportive and loving environment for their loved ones.
1. Expressions (Behaviors) are Communication
When someone with memory loss shows repetitive behaviors, they're often trying to communicate a need. For instance, if you see them pacing often, they might just be looking for a restroom.
To address these behaviors, start by identifying any immediate unmet needs such as hunger, pain, thirst, or exhaustion. By attending to these basic needs, you can often alleviate the behaviors causing concern.
Always keep a checklist of common needs and observe any patterns in behavior. This proactive approach can help you meet their needs before they become a problem.
2. Situational Awareness is Your Superhero 6th Sense
Always be mindful of both your environment and the individual you are caring for. This vigilance helps prevent accidents and ensures interactions are as safe as possible.
For example, if you ask your loved one to sit down, make sure a chair is available and close by. Being aware of your surroundings can prevent many potential mishaps.
Always do a quick scan of the room and remove any potential hazards like loose rugs or objects on the floor. Make sure the space is safe before involving your loved one in any activities.
3. Your Loved One is Perfectly Normal, We Are Not
It's important to remember your loved one is reacting normally to their situation. The responsibility lies with us to adjust our perspectives and approaches accordingly. For example, assisting with personal care tasks like showering can be uncomfortable for anyone, not just those with memory loss.
Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how disorienting and stressful these situations can be. This empathy can guide you in making more compassionate and effective caregiving decisions.
Always explain what you are doing and why. This simple step can make a world of difference in how your loved one perceives and reacts to your actions.
4. We Cause 90% of Expressions in Memory Loss
Caregivers significantly influence the behaviors and reactions of individuals with memory loss. Your actions and interactions can either soothe or enhance their symptoms. For example, a sense of withdrawal in your loved one might stem from no longer engaging in activities they used to enjoy.
Take time to observe what your loved one may be missing and find ways to reintroduce those joys into their life. Keep a journal of your loved one's reactions to different activities and interactions. Use this information to tailor your approach and provide the best possible care.
5. No Means No, and No Is Not an Option
If your loved one says no to something, respect their decision. Understanding their reasons for resistance can help you find alternative solutions that meet their needs without causing distress.
Instead of saying no outright, offer alternatives that align with their desires. For example, if they want to go swimming in the middle of December, suggest taking a relaxing bath instead. This redirection can meet their needs while keeping them safe.
Always have a list of alternative activities ready. This preparation allows you to quickly and smoothly redirect their attention when necessary.
6. Stop, Challenge, and Choose
When faced with challenging situations, take a moment to stop and reflect on what's happening. This pause allows you to consider the best way to address the issue at hand.
Ask yourself questions like, "What is my loved one trying to communicate?" and "How can I best support them right now?" This thoughtful approach can lead to better outcomes for both you and your loved one.
Make it a habit to stop, challenge, and choose your responses. This practice will become second nature and can significantly improve your caregiving effectiveness.
7. Mind the "Dementia Box"
The concept of the "dementia box" involves considering both conventional and creative solutions to manage behaviors. While medical interventions are sometimes necessary, exploring a range of options through trial and error can often yield better results.
For example, if your loved one is pacing, instead of immediately resorting to medication, consider if they might need more physical activity or if their environment could be more stimulating.
Keep an open mind and be willing to experiment with different approaches. Flexibility and creativity are your best tools in memory care.
8. One Face, One Voice
When interacting with someone with memory loss, it's crucial to simplify communication. Ensure only one person is speaking and engaging with them at a time. This focus helps reduce confusion and makes it easier for them to understand and respond.
If you need assistance, have the second person stand behind you. This way, your loved one only sees one face and hears one voice, making the interaction smoother.
Always speak clearly and use simple language. These small adjustments can significantly improve communication and reduce stress for your loved one.
9. If You've Met One Person with Memory Loss, You've Met One Person with Memory Loss
There is no one-size-fits-all solution in memory care. Each person is unique, and what works for one individual may not work for another. Personalizing your approach is key to effective caregiving. Take time to learn about your loved one's history, preferences, and triggers. This knowledge will guide you in providing tailored care that truly meets their needs.
When advising other caregivers, emphasize the importance of individual responses and personalized care plans.
10. Attitude and Language Are Everything
Your attitude and language play a significant role in how your loved one responds to you. Before interacting with them, take a moment to check in with your own emotions. A calm and positive demeanor can make a world of difference.
Use clear, direct, and positive language. For example, instead of saying, "Don't do that," try saying, "Let's do this instead." This approach helps keep interactions positive and constructive.
Practice mindfulness and take breaks when needed. Your emotional well-being directly impacts your ability to provide compassionate care.
Caring for a loved one with memory loss can be a challenging yet deeply rewarding experience. By following these 10 Commandments for Memory Care, you can create a supportive, compassionate, and effective caregiving environment. Remember, each day is a new opportunity to connect, understand, and love.
If you're looking for additional caregiving support, we'd love for you to join our Virtual Caregiver Support Group. We meet via Zoom every third Monday of the month at noon, where Paula Harder leads engaging discussions on how to assist our loved ones who need memory care support.
RSVP for our next Virtual Caregiver Support Group
