Love Stories

phil

The Story of Phil & Jean

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We all know the marriage vows, “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part”. Some of us live those vows to the letter. Jean is one of these individuals.

We know that many spouses provide care at home for their partners with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Theirs is a loving and difficult journey which requires significant patience and tenacity. While this is the story of Phil’s experience with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, it is also the story of Jean’s evolution as a caregiver. From managing it all on her own to bringing in supportive services and ultimately, choosing a team to entrust Phil’s care to, Jean was able to become his wife again.

“When I look back, I realize Phil had been showing signs of dementia several years before he was diagnosed. He saw our family doctor and then a neurologist. After testing by the neurologist, they sent him for more testing at the Neuropsychological Services of Virginia. One year later, he went back for follow up testing. As the years went by, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, continually managed by tweaks and changes in his medication.

My goal was to keep Phil at home, but as the years went by, the situation worsened. He was looking in the cabinets constantly, and I removed everything I thought could harm him, but I often found him gagging on pickling spice or something else you would never think someone would try to eat.

For a long time, I could leave him at home, but when I became uneasy with this, someone from AmeriCare or Right at Home came to stay with him. He didn’t want or think he needed help, so I told him they were coming to clean the house. They were there to do whatever was necessary to make him think that’s why they were there. Some of them did clean, but their job was to take care of Phil, and many times I would come home to them putting together a puzzle or watching a TV show together.

The years of constant stress from being on guard to keep him from doing something that would hurt himself were very difficult. He behaved like a toddler, putting anything he found on the floor in his mouth. I was afraid he would go on our dock and fall overboard. I sold the riding lawn mower, put alarms on the doors, and tried everything anyone suggested. Nothing worked.

I realized I needed support, so I started going to the Alzheimer’s Support Group that was held at Commonwealth Senior Living in Kilmarnock and found it to be very helpful. Everyone was very supportive of each other and the facilitator was extremely helpful. This was the highlight of my month.

This had been going on for 10 years, and I always told the doctor everything that had happened since our last visit. The situation was worsening, and the doctor suggested it would be best for both of us for him to not live at home anymore. Long story short, he became a resident in the Sweet Memories Neighborhood at Commonwealth Senior Living. It is safe unit with nothing that can harm anyone, and they have many activities for the residents such as daily chair exercises and throwing a big beach ball back and forth with each other and the staff instructor while they are sitting in their chairs. They have many, many activities to occupy their time. Their medication is given to them as prescribed by the doctor. They have a private dining room where they eat their meals. There is a wonderful music program that has given me so many special memories. They celebrate every holiday. They have a Family Night Dinner every month, usually with a theme. It would be impossible for me to tell you everything they do for the residents.

The stress was lifted off me. I knew he was in a safe place and receiving good care. I visited him three days a week for a couple of hours each time. Everyone called him by name even when I would take him to the Assisted Living side, all the staff said hello to him by name. I was able to relax and visit Phil in a happy atmosphere and not be constantly monitoring what he was doing.

Everyone who works there, from the moment you come in the door until you leave, is helpful, courteous, and pleasant. I highly recommend Commonwealth Senior Living. It was a lifesaver for me.”

The celebration of Phil’s life took place in February. It was an absolute privilege to care for Phil, and to have you both as a part of our CSL family. If you are caring for a loved one with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, we want you to know that you are not alone. Our community teams can offer support groups, tips, assessments, and much more. Find the community nearest you for more information: https://www.commonwealthsl.com/our-communities/

Laura Redilla LOVE

Loving Your Residents: A Program Director Shares Her Experience

By Laura Redilla, Program Director at Commonwealth Senior Living at Churchland House

As our residents are telling us their love stories, I decided I would tell you why I love my residents and why they are my love story.

Growing up I saw my grandparents every single day.  They were at our house when we arrived home from school.  My grandmother cooked dinner every night for the entire family.  I loved that we were all around a great, big table having dinner and sharing our daily stories.  Everyone helped clean up, yet we were never told to do so. Can you imagine sitting around the table with both sets of grandparents, your parents, and all the children in today’s world?  We just did it.  My grandfather was the “homework and project helper” in our family.  Now, we spent a lot of time with our parents as well, but it just was not the same.

We called my mom’s dad, Poppy Ralph.  He retired from Goodyear Aerospace.  He built the first Goodyear blimp. He also worked on the Alaskan Pipeline and spent several years in England working on special projects for Goodyear.  He loved to stay busy and was always up for a project.  Science fairs became his love as we were all going through school.  He helped all of us (six of us), and we never had the same project twice.  One year, I choose the birth of a horse.  He set up a video camera in a family member’s barn and watched it 24 hours a day.  He took pictures as the horse progressed in her pregnancy. He made sure the barn was warm enough, and when it came time for her to deliver, he picked me up from school to make sure I understood the process before I wrote my paper.  He loved to be involved.  I could go on and on and tell story after story. He was my HERO!  My point is that I have always been surrounded by seniors.

I started my career in 2010 after many years of the hustle and bustle of the corporate world.  I had a family friend diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  We had been very close for over 15 years.  My children came to love her as a grandmother.  Catherine needed someone to help her with her treatment days, her ADL care, and just daily life as she wanted it to be as normal as possible.  She was given a life expectancy of about 3 months with or without treatment.  I was fortunate enough to be able to take a leave of absence to take care of her.  Life changed quickly.  I quickly became “almost a nurse”.   Chemo treatments were not fun, but it was a walk in the park compared to radiation.  This is where I started my road to making someone’s daily life a little bit better with an activity (or two).  As we started radiation, we sat daily with the same group of people in the same waiting room with the same fate in store for the day.  I started bringing in card games, words of inspiration, adult coloring books, trivia, and history of where each of these lovely but sick people grew up.  We became a close knit group of individuals.  I would stop and pick up coffee or their favorite hard candies for after their treatments.  They lost their hair together, weight together, and one by one they trickled off.  Some passed away and some finished therapies.  For those who finished we rang a bell and rang it LOUD!  For the less fortunate, we said a prayer and talked about what an amazing person they were.  It was strange yet comforting to me.  I even had a bucket of inspirational thoughts that I placed at the radiology check in desk.  It made me feel good to see people pick them up and smile just a little in such a trying time.

As Catherine’s treatments were not working and she was becoming sicker and sicker, I decided I needed to find a position where I could make a difference in someone’s life.   I started to research Programming and Activity positions in the Hampton Roads area.  I had a few interviews but really did not think much about it.  Catherine was in and out of the hospital, and life was hectic.  As we entered the hospice world, I came to grips with the the process of life and death.  Catherine passed away peacefully one early morning, and that day I received a call for a position as an Activity Director here in Hampton Roads.  Quickly, I began to embrace the culture of senior living.  I was able to use my training skill set to orient new associates, learn about our residents, and develop a program to create a well-rounded lifestyle at all stages of senior living.  Mind, Body, and Spirit.  To this day, that is exactly how I approach each day.

Everyday, I go to Commonwealth ready to participate in activities and share my knowledge with our residents.  My daily goal is to make their lives better.  Put smiles on their faces. I feel I do that well, but the knowledge and lifelong learning I gain everyday from our residents is why my residents are my love story.

For example; when Mrs. H turned 100 years old this month, her cousin had written a poem of how many changes have happened in her life time.  I love to hear those stories.  From a family defecting from a communist country when she was 13 to the WWI/Vietnam/WWII/Pearl Harbor stories we are presented with daily.  Most of us cannot imagine what it is like to live without electricity.  Several of our residents can.  We complain when the A/C is not blowing strong enough, and our residents can tell us what it was like to read by candlelight or ride a horse to school. How many people can say they have seen the first Model T Ford and the first all-electric car?  To me, the knowledge they share with us is worth more than our paychecks.  My children spent 8 years in the senior living environment and embraced the respect, dignity, and values of the seniors they learned there.  I truly feel it has made them better adults. I am honored and proud of the adults they have become. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I believe that is true.

My residents have taught me to slow down and smell the roses.  “Laurie, don’t worry. The work will wait for you”.  I hear often in the course of the day.  Our world is now BIGGER, BETTER, FASTER.  I am now taking their advice and stopping to “smell the roses” Each and every person in the building is like a family member.  From the oldest resident to the newest staff member. So, as you can tell, I LOVE WHAT I DO!  I take pride in my work and I cannot imagine doing it anywhere else.

If Laura’s love story makes your curious to see where you could make an impact in one of our communities, visit our career page: https://www.commonwealthsl.com/careers/

Chocolate in the morning (1)

Caring for a Spouse with Dementia: Chocolate in the Morning

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As we’ve discussed in other posts, love may look and feel a bit different for spouses whose loved ones are struggling with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Everyone shows their love in different ways. One of our family members began writing about his wife’s journey with Alzheimer’s a few years ago. He imagines the world through her eyes. He has been gracious enough to share his writing with us and allow us to share. We think that he has a unique insight into what she is experiencing and how he can bring her joy.

Chocolate covered cherries, with the exception of Outer Banks Fudge has always been my favorite candy.  I often found myself checking the store shelves in October and November until the candy was available at the store.  Jim has kept some here at Commonwealth for me.

This morning, he came and fed me breakfast like normal. Then, he and I spent about an hour in the serenity room. He held me the whole time. Jim walked with me back to the common area next to the dining room to find me a comfortable seat for the morning.  After I sat down, Jim went to my room and came back with some chocolate cherries for me.

 As I was eating the first one, Hannah, the activities director walked in the room, and she looked at me with a surprised look on her face and asked with an astonished tone, “Patricia, are you eating chocolate in the morning?”  I just smiled and nodded yes as Jim gave me a second piece of candy.  By now, Hannah was thoroughly entertained by my eating candy.  Hannah followed up her first question with, “Has Jim always fed you chocolate in the morning?”  This time I answered, “No.”

The next question was “When did you train him to do that?”  I just started laughing.  Hannah then came to my chair and was laughing with me and giving me a hug.  Then she asked, “Do you think I should train my boyfriend to give me chocolate in the morning?” and “Could you help me with that?”

By now all three of us were laughing together.  I enjoy treats like chocolate covered cherries.  I also enjoyed laughing.  I don’t think I laugh enough. 

Being able to create a moment like this is just wonderful. Jim knows her love for candy. Hannah knows how to make her giggle. These moments are created by families working together with our team to help us create a person-centered program. Knowing that she loves these candies gives us this opportunity to bring her joy if she’s having a hard day. Having our team handle logistics of daily life makes it possible for families to focus on being husbands, wives, sons and daughters instead of caregivers. If you are caring for a loved one with dementia and are curious to learn more about our Sweet Memories program, please visit our Memory Care page.

RuthHusband

There’s Always More to the Story: Ruth and Andy

We had the pleasure of listening to our resident’s love stories this year as we have in years past. But this year we took a page from the Legacies Project and spent some more time recording a few of these stories in greater detail. We chose three which represent different stages of love that our residents might be experiencing. A spouse of a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease. A widow. And a couple in independent living. Each story is beautiful and endearing and makes us grateful for the love that we’ve been blessed to encounter along the way.

Ruth and Andy have been married for over 70 years. Ruth still giggles when she talks about him. Her advice to young couples is to forgive and listen. They are certainly a shining example of a happy marriage. We’re all nodding and taking notes. Please take a moment and listen to Ruth and Andy’s story below:

Anita&RobertFramed

There’s always more to the Story: Anita and Robert

We had the pleasure of listening to our resident’s love stories this year as we have in years past. But this year we took a page from the Legacies Project and spent some more time recording a few of these stories in greater detail. We chose three which represent different stages of love that our residents might be experiencing. A spouse of a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease. A widow. And a couple in independent living. Each story is beautiful and endearing and makes us grateful for the love that we’ve been blessed to encounter along the way.

Anita is 98 and lost her husband 10 months ago. She loves telling stories about Robert. They danced up into their 90s. She thinks of him often and misses him terribly. We are grateful to hear her stories and share them. It’s so important that Anita knows that even though she is morning, she is not alone. We are here, listening and caring for her in every way we can. Please take a moment and listen to Anita’s story below:

Frank and Claire photo

Loving a Spouse with Dementia: Frank and Claire

Frank and his wife, Claire have been married for 63 years. Frank was a minister and Claire was a school teacher. She retired in 2000 and took up some tutoring work. As the years went on, Frank could see some warning signs that Claire’s cognitive ability was changing. The tutoring became too challenging. “It’s like our minds are filled with hundreds of sparkling lights, and I could see some of hers’ fading, one by one,“ he explains.

Frank cared for her at home for several years. He’d bring in help from time to time. He had home health help with bringing her to the doctor, and he had people come into help with the house and the yard. But it got to the point where “they were barely existing.” Frank goes on, “She took care of me all those years, and now I’m trying to take care of her.” He knew she needed more than one person could provide.

The timing was just right as Commonwealth Senior Living was opening their Sweet Memories neighborhood in Charlottesville, just 15 minutes away. The community included independent living and assisted living as well. So Frank was able to have a suite just down the hall from his wife in Sweet Memories. She was one of their first residents in October of 2015.

Being in this atmosphere has been a real plus for the couple. Besides the benefit of no longer worrying about household tasks, Frank has a balance between getting time with his wife and getting time to himself to read and recuperate with the peace of mind knowing that she has a team of caregivers 24 hours per day.

When Frank was caring for Claire on his own, he felt isolated and alone as so many caregivers do. Now, he is able to join the monthly Caregiver Support Group to talk with other spouses going through the same journey. He talks with her caregivers regularly about any changes she’s going through. The ups and downs are still just as emotional. But there is a team in place to support them both.

A few months ago, each time Claire saw Frank she would say, “I love you. I love you. I love you” over and over again. Frank believes she was preparing for the time she would no longer be able to say it. She’s lost most of her verbal ability now. But she has moments when she speaks just a few words. The other day she looked around at the other women in the room and said to Frank, “Look, but that’s it.” Frank laughs and shakes his head.

When asked about how they’ve been able to enjoy such a long and happy marriage, Frank closes his eyes and explains. “Love is a many splendored thing. It changes over time, but stays just as firm. You have to adjust to the changes. Recognize each other’s strengths. Lean on each other, and keep an abundance of patience.”

He says that their marriage now feels like long distance love. It’s still there. It just makes you go deeper in your faith.

His advice is to take care of your plans for senior living far in advance of needing it. Make sure your will, power of attorney and medical directives are all established and documented. He also made sure that his lawyer, accountant and family all stayed in touch with each other. “It feels good knowing that you have a full team looking out for you.”

BobGetz4

There’s Always More to the Story: Bob and Anna

We had the pleasure of listening to our resident’s love stories this year as we have in years past. But this year we took a page from the Legacies Project and spent some more time recording a few of these stories in greater detail. We chose three which represent different stages of love that our residents might be experiencing. A spouse of a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease. A widow. And a couple in independent living. Each story is beautiful and endearing and makes us grateful for the love that we’ve been blessed to encounter along the way.

Bob has a special place in our hearts as he represents the many spouses we spend time with each day. They join us for Family Nights, but they’re also visiting daily and joining in our Caregiver Support Groups. They become part of our family, and we become part of theirs. Please take a moment and listen to Bob’s story below:

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Laurence and Rosa at Commonwealth Senior Living at Radford

“Appreciate each other.”

Laurence met his sweetheart, Rosa in 1939. They went to school together and soon became high school sweethearts. Laurence wanted to make sure he looked nice. So he would press his pants himself on his mama’s old stove. Laurence moved to West Virginia where he began to work, but he and Rosa continued to correspond through letters. It was through those letters that he fell in love with her.

They were married in York, South Carolina on September 7th, 1947. He was 18, and she was 17. He jokingly says of that day that she had $50, and he only had $30 but they were in love.

A friend of his offered him a job in Williamsburg on a dairy farm. Laurence said he was paid $35/week and that was “big money”. While in Williamsburg, he saved up and bought a house with Rosa in Carroll County, Virginia in 1955. Soon thereafter, a man from Floyd offered him $75 very two weeks to work on his farm. For the next 12 years, he would spend his days on the dairy farm.

Rosa worked as a waitress at the infamous (to us Floyd folks) Blue Ridge Restaurant in Floyd, VA. In addition to her waitressing, Rosa also was a nurse at a retirement home in Floyd.

When asked what Laurence loved most about Rosa, he said “everything.” Laurence reminisces about Rosie’s good cooking. He tells us that she could make the best pies and biscuits you ever had in your life!

Laurence says every night before bed, he tells Rosa he loves her and is sorry for everything he’s ever done wrong.

Laurence finishes by says, “If we die tomorrow, we’ll be together in heaven. She’s my sweetheart and always will be.”

Their love story us about hard work, dedication and appreciating each other.

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William and Betty at Commonwealth Senior Living at Radford

“Trust God.”

Betty was 17 or 18 years old when she met her husband.

He was working on the turn pike surveying and boarding with a good friend of hers whose name was Twilla Lilly. She had told Betty about this man, and one day when in the grocery story with her niece, Betty met Twilla’s son, Carthy.

Her future husband, William Jack McCann (Bill) happened to be with him, and Carthy introduced them. After that, Bill began coming to her house. He would come down on Saturdays, and they would go out together. They dated until he joined the Army during the war.

Bill was on the list to be drafted, so he went ahead and signed up. He was stationed in Germany for two years. Betty wrote him the whole time he was gone. When he came home, she was working at a store in Beckley. He would pick her up from work often for dates. One night, they went to the restaurant that was next door just to get something to drink. That’s when he pulled a little box out of his pocket. Inside was the ring set. He said, “Do you still want to get married?” She said yes! So after about a month, they ran down to Parisburg to a minister’s home and got married.

This July would have been 60 years of marriage for them. He died 10 months ago from congestive heart failure. “He was a handsome, good looking man,” Betty says. “A loving person.”

They had two children together. Barry Jack and Marcela Lynn. Barry also passed away recently.

Advice that Betty would give to other couples would be, “Stay together, love each other and do for each other. Bill always did things for me that I never expected him to do.”

Juanita and Jim

Jim and Juanita at Commonwealth Senior Living at Radford

Juanita was in high school when she first saw her husband. She didn’t meet him that day, but she’s never forgotten it either.

He was a senior, and she was a freshman. Their school was having a pep rally. She was sitting in the bleachers when the seniors marched in. The person sitting next to her stood up and yelled “hey Whitey!” Jim threw up his hand in acknowledgement. To this day, Juanita has never forgotten that moment. She can still hear the band playing and the smile on his face.

Life went on. He graduated and went into the Navy, and Juanita finished high school. She began working in a law office as a secretary. One day, she and her coworkers went to a local diner for lunch, and there in his Navy dress whites sat Jim. One of her coworkers knew him. So naturally, she took them all over to say hello.

They sat down and had a great lunch. As they were eating lunch and talking Juanita remembered a dream she had a year prior. In her dream, a man dressed in white stood before her and a voice was saying, “This is the man you will marry.” They enjoyed a conversation and meal and parted ways. Unbeknownst to Juanita, her friend had given Jim her number. He called later that night.

They went out that night to the movies and had a wonderful time. He had to return to his Navy ship and base in Florida the following day. He wrote a letter to Juanita while he was out to sea. Time passed and when his time in the Navy was up, he returned home and called. Juanita was elated to hear from him.

That Christmas, they were engaged. The man in white would become her husband.

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